What is shame?
Shame. It’s the urge to hide, the fear of being seen, and the pervasive belief that you are inherently wrong, bad, broken, or simply not enough. It seeps into the cracks of our self-perception, convincing us that who we are is fundamentally flawed.
As much as shame sucks... we need to talk about it.
Shame:
Breeds secrecy
Keeps people stuck
Takes lives
Shame is so uncomfortable that most people try to ignore it, avoid it, or escape it at all costs. But pretending it doesn’t exist only gives it more power. Avoidance reinforces the belief that shame is too big to face or handle. The more we suppress it, the more control it has over us.
Shame vs. Guilt:
Guilt is the heavy knot in your stomach that appears when you act out of alignment with your conscience or your truth. While neither guilt nor shame is particularly comfortable, guilt is temporary and situational. It can be released, processed, and sometimes even serves as a guide toward growth.
But shame? Nah. Shame hits deeper.
People familiar with shame say they feel wrong and broken to their core. They are scared to exist, to be seen, and to speak their truth. Shame doesn’t just say, “You made a mistake.” It says, “You are a mistake.”
If you hate your body so much that you want to hide and feel unworthy to show your true self, this is shame.
If you feel embarrassed because your boobs are uneven or your acne just arrived and you think this makes you unlovable, this is shame.
Shame makes you feel bad and convinces you that you are bad. It is debilitating.
Shame isn't productive
Shame doesn't help you grow. You don’t need shame to hold yourself accountable or to learn from your experiences.
Shame doesn’t help you become a better person. People don’t heal and evolve through feeling bad about themselves. On the contrary, your body craves love and acceptance. You can say goodbye to the lies you've believed about who you are and what you're not.
Your actions are separate from your worth. You can acknowledge mistakes without internalizing them and choose self-compassion over self-condemnation.
4 Ways to Work with Shame:
1. Notice where and when 'shoulds' show up in your life
Who is telling you how to live life? Why do you believe them? What would happen if you challenged this ‘should’? Often, shame is rooted in unrealistic or oppressive expectations—ones you never agreed to in the first place.
2. Choose guilt over shame
Try to avoid broad generalizations like “I’m a failure” or “I’m bad.” Instead, reframe with gentler language:
“I made a choice that doesn’t align with my values.”
“I said something I regret, but that doesn’t define me.”
Language shapes belief. Choose words that leave room for growth.
3. Offer yourself healing messages
Shame thrives in self-criticism, but you can interrupt it with self-compassion. Try affirmations like:
“I am allowed to make mistakes and grow from them."
"I am not broken. I am whole, even in my struggles.”
“My worth is not up for debate.”
You don’t have to believe these thoughts right away. But over time, they can create cracks in shame’s foundation, letting self-acceptance seep in.
4. Get accountability for your thoughts
Sometimes we all need a reality check. If you notice yourself slipping into a shame spiral, ask someone you trust to remind you of the truth:
That we all make mistakes.
That your worth is not tied to your appearance or what you ate today.
That you deserve kindness—especially from yourself.
Find someone who will pour truth and love into you when you have a hard time accessing it yourself. That could be a friend who gently reminds you of your worth, a therapist who helps you reframe your thoughts, or a supportive community that sees the real you even when you struggle to see yourself.
Stepping Into Your Power
Shame is a complex and deeply ingrained emotion, but it doesn’t have to control your life.
By understanding the difference between guilt and shame, challenging the 'shoulds' in your life, using affirmations, and seeking accountability, you can begin to break free. You are not broken. You are inherently worthy of love and acceptance - exactly as you are.